I woke up today feeling really lonely and stressed out about everything that’s coming my way. I don’t really have room to talk about it with anyone, so I’m talking about it here instead. Yay.

I keep finding myself missing the way things were for me around a decade ago when my mental illness had completely cut me off from all of my emotions. It wasn’t like being numb from the effects of medication (because I’ve felt that, and that’s its own special brand of misery). In retrospect, it was actually kind of nice. I can barely remember it, because I was a different person entirely, but I keep finding myself longing for it. It was like nothing could reach me, but not in the way it feels now, because when I feel that way now, I just feel this crushing sense of loneliness that nothing can ever really assuage. Back then, it was just different. I don’t know.

Realistically, I do feel bad about how some things turned out when I was in that era. I broke up with the person I had been dating out of nowhere because I felt it wasn’t fair for them to be in a relationship with someone who literally didn’t experience emotions. I don’t really think that was the wrong move, all things considered, and I was a lot younger, but I still feel guilty about it to this day. I also believe that empathy is important, and I think being in touch with my full range of emotions is important for me to behave empathetically. Behaving that way is part of living in accordance with my values, which is important in so many ways and for so many reasons, but still…

Deep inside, I know that going back to that state of mind wouldn’t be healthy or good, and I was only like that because I was going through some very serious and scary shit that I had literally zero comprehension of. I just have been finding recently that a lot of the idealism from my youth has disappeared from my heart, and my attention is more captivated by the misery of having deep feelings than the blessing of having deep feelings. I know I wouldn’t be such an emotional person if there wasn’t something important about me being that way, but with everything that’s been going on, all I can really appreciate is the discomfort that follows being in touch with those parts of my soul.

I think I just have this problem where I miss when things were easy. Recently, I’ve been trying to live by the motto to “do what’s right, not what’s easy,” but I miss when things were easy. It was easier not to have feelings. It was easier to do nothing. It was easier to be an addict. In a lot of ways, I even miss the ---- sometimes because in so many ways it just made so much more sense. I don’t know if I would call it “easy” to live that kind of lifestyle, especially because I had absolutely no control over it (all of the pain with essentially none of the benefits), but in some ways recovery and living on my own with my own values and struggles is… so much harder, even though that’s what I wanted from life for as long as I can remember? And, as a person in recovery, everything I do is my responsibility and my actions are the only true possessions I have. I live with the guilt of the mistakes I’ve made as a free person every single day. Selfishly, I guess that’s part of why I wish I didn’t feel anything (and honestly, my guilt/shame solves nothing, but whatever).

Yes, I wish someone else could take charge of this process. I’m sick of it. Thinking about the fact that I will be doing this (in some form) for the rest of my life makes me want to throw up. I’m tired of having all of this responsibility. At the same time, I crave control. I want even more control over myself and certain situations than I have right now. What’s up with that? I’ve been having this happen a lot in a different way, too; I just want to be alone, but at the same time, “my loneliness is killing me.” I want connection and closeness, but I have no interest in people. I also have no interest in extracurriculars. I keep asking myself why I took on any of the things I chose to take on last year because I’ve never been interested in any of them and in some ways I really misplaced my energy and made some choices I really despise. I literally don’t understand why I act the way I do. It’s so overwhelming.

I’m not satisfied with my life as it is right now, which is good, because that dissatisfaction motivates me to do everything I need to do to change my situation and live the life that my heart has been praying for. Doing that requires a lot of energy, though, and it’s hard for me to call up that energy when I feel so isolated, unimportant, and weak. I’m really not looking forward to going back to school. I’m sick of not having as much money as I want to have. I’m really fed up with one thing in particular, but at least it’s teaching me patience and self-control. I keep trying to look at all this adversity as a blessing, but it’s just hard. I just want things to be easy. I keep oversleeping (even though I have nightmares) because I just don’t want to be conscious.

Even though I just said all of that, I am really grateful for what I do have, because I have a lot of things that most people could only dream of, things people are praying for right now as I write. I definitely think that my spiritual life is lacking (which is completely my fault); I need to refine myself and make an active effort to have a relationship with God, but I avoid doing that because I have religious problems and I’m really scared of certain things. I know that no amount of hard work is going to get me where I want to be without also opening my heart in that particular way, but fear is very powerful. I keep noticing myself locking up and freezing, which is really good, because several months ago I couldn’t “notice” that because it was my entire life, 24/7.

I don't know. I have to trust that things will get better with time. I just keep reminding myself that the only way that I can control/better the future is by staying grounded in the present. My mood has been really low today, but I’m getting through it. I really don’t like how much of my life is just about “getting through it,” but that’s just how life is sometimes.

My sister (and Ciel) showed me Inuyasha at the very end of last month (a few days ago). The two of us actually watched little pieces of it together several years ago because she wanted me to be able to understand it, but it was mostly just clips on YouTube, so last week was the first time we actually went in order and watched the show for real. I really like it. It’s so visually beautiful, and the world really feels like a lot of soul was put into it. I’m excited to watch more of it, although I’m not really sure how much time I’ll have to watch anime (or do anything fun, or focus on healing myself) in the coming weeks/months.

I recently got through something I didn’t think I would be able to get through. I’m kind of proud of myself for that. It was so overwhelming I nearly had a seizure at its peak, but I didn’t, and I’m okay now. It still crops up and bothers me or puts doubt in my mind sometimes, but I feel a lot more clear-headed and secure about it now after a LOT of prayer. Time to “let go and let God,” I guess. I am trying to appreciate my successes more because I feel like such a failure all the time. I really feel like, at best, it makes no difference whether I’m alive or not, and like I’m actively making everything worse for everyone around me the rest of the time. I’m not totally free of “those” thoughts, but I’m over four months clean from self-harm and managing everything else really well even without much outside support. I’ve been keeping a lot in, but I’m coping with it more than repressing it (I think). So basically if I die anytime soon it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the CIA, LOL.

I don’t have that much else to say. I’m still playing FFV. Faris is still one of my favorite FF characters of all time. I’m sad that I haven’t been able to show my sister more of FFVI (or any of FFV *starts crying*), because I really, really like it, but I’m just trying to have faith that we’ll eventually find the time. I miss working on my site; I’ve gotten a lot done with it, but I don’t know how much more I’m going to be able to do now that I have so much to do. I haven’t been able to do anything for myself recently.

Not sure what else there is to glean from this. I think I feel so miserable because deep down I still feel helpless to change the things that make me suffer. It's really hard for my brain to understand that I can choose to do things and have personal agency. My whole life, I've just felt like a helpless animal fighting and raging for control and never being able to have it, and now that I'm in a position where I can have it, it's like I still don't understand that it's possible, and my brain is paralyzed because it doesn't know how to do anything but fight. Getting in touch with myself as a competent, responsible individual has been a really weird experience because the role(s) I was permitted or especially encouraged to hold throughout my life were never, ever about that. I think I've changed and grown up a lot, which is also weird, but that's something I really wanted for myself and needed to happen for the sake of those around me. So... good things are happening, I guess, even though it really doesn't feel like it? Many such cases, I guess. I'm really bad at seeing the full picture of things when I'm this emotional, but I feel a lot more collected and grounded now.

It's so hard to make myself journal like this, but I'm really trying. I always feel like people are going to get mad at me for talking about my feelings. I never know if it's healthy to publicly work out my emotional issues like this, but I think it does help me (and right now these pages are technically delisted from the site, although of course nothing on the internet is truly private). All I can say is I'm going to keep working hard even when I feel like giving up. I think that counts for something.